101 reasons why you should buy my novel

post-apocalypse, reasons to buy, list, why readMaybe you love post-apocalyptic novels, and enjoy reading about wasteland adventures. Maybe you hate books and think all words should be burnt and the people who write them should be fed to pigs. Whatever your disposition, there is still a reason for you to buy my novel, you just have to find it. In an attempt to discover that one all-important reason that speaks directly to you, I’ve made a list of 101 possible reasons that you should buy my novel. There are bound to be more, so feel free to add to the list in the comments below.

To make it extra easy for you, I’ve even included headings to help navigate the list:

If you love the novel…

If you think the novel’s pretty good…

If you think the novel’s distinctly average…

If you think the novel’s not really very good at all actually…

If you truly hate the novel…

If you have no intention of ever reading the novel…

 

If you love the novel…

 

1 – You will enjoy the post-apocalyptic setting and the adventures that take place in the emergent wasteland.

2 – You might relate on a deep and meaningful level to the main characters and the story’s themes, and find the whole experience deeply fulfilling.

3 – You can take select quotes from the novel to develop a new philosophy about life, to use as ice-breakers in awkward conversations or at any time when you feel your own ideas don’t entirely do the situation justice.

4 – You might be so passionately driven by the dialogue and the gritty interplay between the characters that you discover a new lease of energy and enthusiasm for life.

5 – You will be inspired by how the characters struggle through these dangerous situations, how their lives will change! And that inspiration could change your life.

6 – Your dreams will take on new aspects of depth and imagination that reinvigorates your subconscious mind.

7 – You can picture the depicted landscapes and set-pieces with the warmth and wonder of a tourist taking in the majesty of nature’s finest surrounds.

8 – You can fully escape the mundane humdrum of your everyday life by dipping into the exciting peril and romance of those struggling to survive in a wasteland.

9 – You can finally fill all those spare minutes of your life that you never had a purpose for by reading the novel again and again. Revelling in the delicate artistry of the writing.

10 – You can ignite emotions in your heart long left dormant, as you are swept away by the novel’s peaks and troughs, evolving your own spirit as the main character develops.

11 – You can swell with pride at the thought that you have a connection to the author of this great piece of work: tell people at parties how you read blogs about this book before it was even famous.

12 – The sheer enjoyment you get from reading this thrilling story may release additional endorphins in your body, leading to a heightened sense of well-being.

13 – You may smile with such genuine joy whilst reading the novel that that person you’ve loved from afar sees the true beauty of your face and finally approaches you to ask you out. (And you’ll even have an opener to answer in explaining what a fantastic book it is you’re reading.)

14 – You can love life again. Safe in the knowledge that this novel is evidence that true beauty still exists.

15 – You can demonstrate how much passion truly burns in your heart by growing truthfully excited as you recount plot details and recommendations to your friends and family.

16 – You can start a fansite or club, write fan fiction or do whatever it takes to keep the experience alive. You may make friends with others who share the same sentiment.

17 – You can construct additional merchandise to accompany the novel, including your own carved figurines, paintings or maps based on the wasteland setting. The novelty of trying to relate the plot details back to the current world can keep you entertained for hours and train your brain.

18 – You can curl up comfortably at night clutching the book to your chin in the absence of a companion, knowing that this single material object contains all the caring and understanding you have ever needed.

19 – You can take the pages of the novel and paste them individually around your bedroom to create a unique and continually inspiring decor.

 

If you think the novel’s pretty good…

 

20 – You can ignore the woes of your life by focusing on the woes of the characters, and be moderately uplifted by their successes.

21 – You can safely pass the novel on to an acquaintance without the fear that it will ruin their life and lower their opinion of you.

22 – You can have a meaningful conversation about the novel’s merits without having to take it personally.

23 – You can attempt to plagiarise the novel’s many original elements for your own malicious gain, hoping that whilst the prose is high quality it won’t be popular enough for anyone to notice your theft.

24 – You can add a range of new comments to your everyday conversations, covering the merits of independent novel-writing and post-apocalypse stories.

25 – You can safely consume an enjoyable story without fear of becoming hopelessly addicted to it and struggling to live without the next instalment.

26 – You can give yourself a mental challenge many years from now, when you try to remember that one pretty good book you read that one time all those years ago…what was it called? And you can experience the joy of finally remembering – YES that was IT!

27 – You can leave the novel on a shelf and when you occasionally glance at it give yourself a satisfied nod and think, yes, it was a reasonable purchase.

28 – You can sell the novel second-hand without feeling like you are cheating the buyer.

29 – You can feel satisfied that you have done your burgeoning interest in post-apocalypses justice and do not need to keep searching for good examples.

30 – You can mull over the details of the novel and spend hours piecing together the points that weren’t perfect. Perhaps even write an article about it.

 

If you think the novel is distinctly average…

 

31 – You can spend hours practising critical thinking as you ponder the little things that might have been improved, ultimately perfecting your use of English and your understanding of narrative and character.

32 – You can discuss the novel at length with a book club, musing with interest over everyone’s individual takes on the pros and cons of the novel.

33 – You can make a split list of pros and cons for the novel, give each point a value and analyse these with various statistical formulae to discover if the novel was genuinely good or not.

34 – You can compare the novel to the very best and the very worst literature you have read and truly understand what makes them both good and bad, and where the very essence of mediocrity lies.

35 – You can apply your new understanding of mediocrity to your everyday life, and avoid or steer into it as you see fit.

36 – You can find a Zen state, inevitably clearing your mind as you go blank trying to think back over a truly forgettable experience.

37 – You can use the mediocre plot points as the basis of a calming meditation service for people suffering from stress and trauma, boring them into relaxation.

38 – You can develop a new sense of gratitude for complications in life, appreciating that to live with trouble is unquestionably more interesting than dwelling in the lifeless grey limbo of a mediocre novel.

39 – You can develop more distinguishing features of age and wisdom on your face as you tighten your scowl and frown whilst considering whether or not what you’re reading is worth it.

40 – You can develop a solid existential philosophy as the time spent reading the dull prose makes you question the purpose of your existence.

45 – You can write a critical review the many pitfalls of the novel, impressing your own skills upon your peers.

46 – You can complain about the novel down the pub with the caveat that it wasn’t very interesting, demonstrating to your associates that you are well-versed in literature without actually having delving into the detail of the novel.

47 – You can perfect the tone and timing of your scoff by experimenting with parts of the novel that did not impress you.

48 – You can go back to whoever recommended the novel to you and engage them in a debate over what was appealing about it, giving you knew and bizarre insights into their personality and worldly perceptions.

49 – The novel may encourage you to get out more, as you realise that you’ve wasted large portions of your time in a stasis lacking emotion or achievement.

 

If you think the novel’s not really very good at all actually…

 

50 – You can spend hours trying to draw up points of trivia as to how the setting is not at all realistic and the events make no sense given the time-frame/geography/science/whatever else riles you.

51 – You can have a lengthy but civilised discussion explaining all the faults you found with the novel, demonstrating your superior understanding of literature in a level-headed fashion.

52 – You can write a long letter of complaint to publish online or send to me directly, fulfilling your need for a good old-fashioned rant.

53 – You can respond with negative scorn whenever you hear someone mention that they liked the novel, with solid arguments to rebuff them.

54 – You can use the poor quality of the novel as an excuse to end your friendship with whoever gave it to you.

55 – You can use the experience of reading such a poor novel as an excuse for why your recent performance has declined in quality. At work, in bed, wherever.

56 – You can take the disappointment from another wasted artistic enterprise, ball it up with your general malaise and continue a campaign of cynicism against the world, trusting in nothing and criticising all, knowing that once again your miserable outlook has been validated.

57 – You can use the depression you feel at how bad a reading experience it was to wrangle prescription drugs out of your doctor.

58 – You can better appreciate the finer things in life, comparing them to this garbage.

59 – You can quite happily give the book away to charity, or any needy street-beggar that’s desperate for something to read, knowing you are not losing something of value.

60 – You can make bitter comments relating to the cover of the book, decrying the old expression of judging a book by its cover, depending on your opinions of the cover.

 

If you truly hate the novel…

 

61 – You can strengthen your throwing arm by hurling the book against a wall in a fit of rage stirred by reading.

62 – You can strengthen your arms and hands by clutching the book in anger as each word that you read drives icicles of tension into your veins.

63 – You can practice the precision of your spitting by hacking onto words that you find particularly offensive.

64 – You might be so appalled by the ferociously poor writing that you are inspired to do everything it takes to write your own novel, avoiding every mistake that this one made, springing to wealth and fame as a uniquely passionate writer.

65 – You can grind your teeth with such anger whilst reading it that they are flattened into the Perfect Smile.

66 – You can demonstrate how much passion truly burns in your heart by growing vehemently enraged as you recount plot details and defamation to your friends and family.

67 – You can find the passion within you to begin a campaign of hatred against me, truly understanding what it is to dedicate your life to something as furious and destructive as revenge.

68 – You can use extracts from the novel as examples that accurately represent everything you hate in the world, quoting passages instead of going to the effort of explaining yourself.

69 – You can read parts of the novel out loud as a form of torture for either yourself or others, for whatever purpose you deem torture a necessary pastime.

70 – You can load the novel into a clay-pigeon launcher and shoot at it, knowing that for once you will be opening fire on something that deserves to be shot. The righteous justification of such an action may improve your aim.

71 – You can draft an excessively long and over-the-top letter of complaint, venting all of your anger into one absurd piece of prose that can be used as a violent manifesto.

72 – You can start judging the people you meet based on their opinion of the novel, and know exactly who to avoid when they suggest it was even remotely good.

73 – You can buy multiple copies of the novel and set them ablaze as part of a ritual of cleansing, literally burning the filth out of your life.

74 – You can soil the novel repeatedly in an act of depraved vandalism, then post pictures and videos of the activity on the internet and hopefully go viral.

 

If you have no intention of ever reading the novel…

 

75 – Your heart will be at peace knowing you gave charity to a starving artist, and that this week I might eat real food thanks to your donation.

76 – You can excitedly soak up the thrill of receiving a delivery in the mail, even if you then throw it out.

77 – You can give the novel away as a gift for many occasions, including birthdays, weddings and mitzvahs.

78 – You can use the novel as a bookend, propping it at a careful angle to lodge other more important books into place.

79 – You can use it as a paperweight, stopping your documents from getting disrupted by random gusts of winds or the hands of unruly children.

80 – You can glue the pages together and mount the novel on a wall as a piece of modern art, explaining to guests that it represents the permanence of literature in time.

81 – You can load multiple copies of the novel into an old cannon and fire them across a field, to see if they are thrown a certain distance or simply get obliterated.

82 – You can upend a lawn-mover and throw the novel into the spinning blade for a brief but beautiful shower of paper, imagining it to be confetti tossed over your head on your wedding day.

83 – You can strap copies of the novel to the soles of your shoes and use them to slide over smooth surfaces, screaming at those you pass to tell them that you’re moved by literature.

84 – You can rest your head on the book when you desperately require sleep but there is no pillow immediately available, folding it at various heights to suit your needs.

85 – You can dissect the novel in the manner of a science experiment, imagining the various words you remove to be internal organs, and draft a report on the physiology of a book.

86 – You trade the book with a local ne’er-do-well for something of equal or greater value, for instance crack cocaine.

87 – You can take the novel to book-signings of your favourite authors, happily allowing them to scrawl their name on it without defacing something you actually want to read.

88 – You can keep it by your bed at all times without fear of it being damaged by incidental means such as flailing limbs or spilt drinks. This will allow you to always have a book at hand in case you need to impress an unexpected guest.

89 – You can carry the novel in an inside breast pocket to catch a bullet in case a mugger tries to shoot you.

90 – You can put the novel under an uneven chair or table leg.

91 – You can place the novel between your teeth and bite down on it during times of great pain, for instance during child-birth or when someone is amputating your leg without anaesthetic.

92 – You can use the pages of the book to slice across strangers’ necks in dark alleys, murdering by the means of paper-cuts in a killing spree that could last for up to 145 victims.

93 – You can draw progressive pictures on each page of the novel and use it as a flick-book animation.

94 – You can hold the book threateningly above your head when shouting diatribes of political or religious belief, occasionally stabbing a pointing finger into it in a dramatic display that suggests your offered wisdom is backed up by this material object.

95 – You can take the novel to a local charity shop and use it as a talking point when trying to introduce yourself to the cute counter assistant.

96 – You can drill a hole through the book, run a chain through it and wear it as a necklace in a more civilised answer to Public Enemy’s Flava Flav.

97 – You can use the book as a step to stand on and kiss a loved one who is precisely 2cm above optimal kissing height.

98 – You can stand the book on its side and create a small wall, protecting a minimal part of your territory from invading creatures that cannot climb over objects 5 inches high or, for whatever reason, move around objects 7 inches wide.

99 – You can throw the book at passing cyclists, for instance to thwart a ride-by mugger or just because you don’t like people on bikes.

100 – You can stockpile multiple copies of the book and burn them in times of desperate cold.

101 – You can use the shredded paper of the pages to line the cages of small pets such as hamsters and budgerigars.

 

Please add more in the comments as you feel free, or let me know which reason works for you (so I can better plan my novels in the future). Also, please buy my novel. When it’s released. You can join my mailing list to be kept abreast of that exciting development.

4 thoughts on “101 reasons why you should buy my novel

  1. Well I read the novel and am waiting for someone to discuss all the above 101 points – even whether the print is safe for use in the hamster’s cage. Best of luck Phil – a jolly good read!

  2. Pingback: 5 great things about digital marketing

Leave a Reply